Tortall Theatre Presents
by kitty-moogles
Summary: Neal, a hapless doctor of the modern day, is forced into auditioning for a production of a fairy tale. And that is when he met Keladry... Occasional Domflaming, eventually KelNeal.
1. Nightmare

**---------------------------TORTALL THEATRE PRESENTS--------------------------  
Chapter 1: Nightmare  
**

I cannot believe this is happening to me.

It's just not actually believable how humiliating this is going to be.

Let me tell you all about it. I don't know why, but... well, my life is pretty awesome.

---- Flashback----

"But you owe me that money!" Cleon cried indignantly, snatching at the wallet in my hand. I smirked at him and held it out of reach.

"But you said you'd get us tickets for that ice hockey game last week, but of course, you forgot to buy them! So, pretty much, I don't owe you anything. We're even."

"Ok, ok. I tell you what…" Cleon smiled broadly as he lifted an empty shot glass. "If you outlast me, I'll take you to the next ice hockey game. And you can keep your stupid money. But if I outlast you, you give me the money. And…"

"They're making some production of a fairy tale down at the theatre… auditions are tomorrow…" someone told their friend behind us. Cleon turned to me, face triumphant.

"And you have to audition for that fairy tale thing. We all know how much you like books."

"Fine," I said. I'd never lost a drinking game before; I was confident that I'd win. Cleon seemed half-drunk already. Mind you, he always seems half-drunk, the stupid bumbling oaf.

"Great."

And it was all set out, and we began.

And not long after that, I lost.

Fortunately, I was out cold, so I couldn't see Cleon celebrating and doing imitations of me playing a fairy.

Yeah, I hate Cleon.

----End Flashback----

And now, here I am, driving over to - well, I'm not driving. I'm on a bus. I've got a horrific hangover, I don't think it would be very clever to just drive off in my battered car down to the audition. I'd probably crash.

I'm all set to just… well, deliberately act like a hung over, stupid idiot who can't act to save his life. Then I won't get in the fairy tale thing, and I can laugh at Cleon because part of the deal has just been completely ruined. Oh, yes.

I faced a long, five minute walk down to the theatre where the audition was taking place, and, to top it all, it was raining. I arrived at the big theatre, completely soaking wet, and peered into the room. There was a gathering of people on the stage psyching themselves up, and a few people in the seating area just relaxing and lazily swigging from water bottles like you might expect a professional actor to do.

"Are you auditioning?" a balding man asked me, and I nodded dumbly.

"I guess so."

The man frowned at me and beckoned someone forward. "We've already decided on Keladry as the main female role. She'll be playing the kind of 'damsel in distress' part." The woman approached, and I had to blink a few times to make sure my eyes were working properly. She was beautiful! Shining, chestnut hair neatly done up in a bun, dreamy hazel eyes and flawless skin. She looked quite quiet as she observed me, her eyes flicking up and down. She looked like just the kind of person my ex-fiancée, Yuki, might befriend. Soft spoken and thoughtful. I liked Keladry from the moment I saw her, from the very moment she offered a hand and said softly, "I'm Kel."

"Neal," I replied, gently shaking her hand. She had small hands. A thrill in touching her soft skin remained in my body after the contact was no more. I smiled at her, and she returned a kind of semi-smile, a smile that didn't seem quite happy, but just a tiny bit sorrowful.

And that was when I knew I was definitely going to try and hook the main male role. I guessed that would be the hero, who jumps in just in time to save the damsel in distress. And maybe get a little kiss in there before the curtain closed. Yeah, I was almost grateful to Cleon for his stupid drinking game thing now.

"If you'd like to head up to the stage - the audition will be starting shortly," the balding man informed me. I clapped my hands together enthusiastically.

"Right-o," I said cheerfully, heading down the aisle between the seats up to the stage.


	2. Cousin

**---------------------------TORTALL THEATRE PRESENTS--------------------------  
Chapter 2: Cousin  
**

"Ok, everyone," called the balding man, his few remaining hairs wobbling on his scalp as he clambered onto the stage. "Welcome to the auditions for Tortall Theatre - 'Lady Knight', a new kind of fairy tale we're experimenting with in the coming month. Basically, the brief overview of the story is...

A commoner named Keladry wishes to become a Knight. At the age of twenty, she hurries off to the palace for a period of two years training. There, she meets her new comrade, who will be male - and there are several scenes where they are training and we develop Keladry's character. We then switch to a war scene. At the country's borders, the enemy is invading. Keladry becomes the commander to a group of warriors and they launch into battle. The evil leader of the enemy's troops - another major male role - kidnaps the Lady Knight. Her allies, led by the lead male role, launch into the fray to aid her. The leader of the allies realises she has been kidnapped, and ventures out over several days into enemy land where he finds her in a dungeon, kills the evil leader of the enemy troops, and frees her. And then, quite classically, they kiss and live happily ever after.

So, now the auditions will commence. We have five major roles to fill, three of which are male, and we need about twenty five extras for various roles across the story. We'll see you one by one - please pick up a sheet of lines which can be located here, and line up at the side here for your chance to shine! Thank you!"

The man hopped off the stage and dropped into a seat, Keladry on one side and some other balding men and stern-looking ladies on the other. As a tall, skinny man began spewing out the words from the sheet, I smiled wickedly.

"I am definitely getting the lead role," I informed myself. A hand on my shoulder made me jump, and I turned around.

"I don't think so, Meathead," a dark haired, blue eyed man informed me. I squinted at him.

"Dom?" Damnit, Neal! You're never going to get the lead role now!

"That's me, cousin." He gazed up to the stage and smirked at the man currently auditioning.

"Hey, why are you here? You - I... hey, this isn't fair!"

"Can't take the competition, eh?" Dom laughed while I scowled at him. "Sorry, Meathead."

"Sorry!" I cried incredulously, pushing my cousin in slight disbelief that he was actually there. "You're ruining my chances for the lead role! I want that lead role more than you do!"

"No you don't," Dom corrected me. "That Keladry is really nice. I like her." I clamped my mouth shut to avoid saying anything stupid and watched as the line of people in front of me gradually shortened.

Finally, it was my turn. I clamped the sheet of paper in my fists tightly, trying to remove the pout from the appearance of Dom from my face. What a nightmare.

"Go on," encouraged the balding man, who I now understood to be the producer and scriptwriter of the play.

"Hang on, Keladry. I'm coming to save you," I read monotonously from the sheet, thoughts like "why the hell are these lines so lame?" running through my head. "Don't worry. You'll be fine." My voice was dull and uninterested, pretty much as I'd practiced it in my head on the bus, trying to sound as bad an actor as I thought was possible. I looked up from the sheet to see the producer's reaction. His eyebrows were raised sceptically.

"Try the next set," he commanded, and I obeyed. Aha! An evil laugh! I smirked and directed all my current hate for Dom into the lines.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I cackled. "You'll regret messing with me!" The producer nodded approvingly and scribbled something down on his sheet. Oh. Hang on, Neal... think here! You're going to get this evil part, and then Dom's going to get the lead role, and while you'll be pretending to be dead on the floor, he's going to be kissing her. And you'll see the whole thing. Well done, Neal. Smooth, real smooth. Well, too late to go back now. I'd still get to kidnap Keladry. I guess that would be okay - if I'm lucky, I might get some scenes alone with her. "Your forces are so weak I could push them over with my little finger! Muahahaha!"

One of the ladies sat with the producer rewarded me with a wide, toothy grin and gestured for me to get off the stage. Dom clambered up and I noticed with complete disgust that he didn't have a sheet. He'd memorised the lines!

"Hang on, Keladry!" he cried in an incredibly false hero's voice, each word echoing through the theatre. I grinded my teeth together to try and drown out his voice. "I'm coming to saaaave you!" I swear, Dom should try doing a voice-over for one of these cartoons - he could do one called She-man. "Don't worry, you'll be ffiiiinnee," he said, flashing his sparkling teeth. Half the women in the room were about to faint from his "manly charm". My eyes searched out Keladry, and I was happy to find her face was blank. AND she was completely conscious and alert. Unaffected from Dom's idiotic womaniser acts. Good - maybe she was completely immune. Well, I don't think anyone's immune to that rubbish Dom spews out. Hah, in my dreams.

I'd do anything to make some sort of vaccination against it. I'm a doctor, you see - I could always bribe the scientists to make some immu-womaniser jab or something. Yeah. If I can't sleep tonight, I'll just think about that, and maybe my dreams will be sweet with the nectar of victory against Dom.

I walked down one of the aisles to take a seat at the back, trying to keep my head held high as though I'd actually been proud of myself and wanted that role. I think that just deserved an Oscar in itself - a few of the others were watching me with beady eyes, almost as if they were watching me for tips on good acting. I resisted the temptation to scream at Dom, who was now making a superhero pose on the stage, and slid into a seat.

No matter how hard I tried, I found my gaze being pulled towards Dom. He hopped off the stage, his weight on one arm (stupid bodybuilder show-off) and walked up to Keladry. No, Dom, what the HELL are you doing!

"So... what did you think?" he asked. I could just catch his words, and could clearly hear the cockiness in his voice.

"Not bad," came Keladry's reply. Ok, hang on, that's either an insult, a compliment, or it's her flirting with him. Please, please, please tell me it's an insult. Her voice was plain and used little emphasis, and the same could be applied to her face: it was difficult to tell what emotions she was feeling.

"I hope that's a compliment," Dom said slyly, showing off his grin again. I could almost picture Keladry fainting into his arms.

"Maybe it is, maybe it isn't," she replied simply, turning away and lifting a water bottle from her seat. A faint frown crossed Dom's face.

"Well, it'd be nice if I was working with you. If you don't mind, I think I'll go see my cousin..." Yeah, Dom. Great comeback.

"Wait, that's your cousin?"

Dom nodded.

I saw a look of amusement play over her face for a moment, then it disappeared and she turned away. I felt sure she'd known I was eavesdropping on them - I'd tried really hard to look like I was idly daydreaming but my acting skills really aren't that great. I really don't have a clue what I'm doing now, but maybe if I'm lucky I'll be able to quit my part (if I get it, of course).

When Kel didn't elaborate, Dom gave a half-hearted wave and approached my seat. I had to fight hard to keep a smirk from my face.

"Nice acting, Neal," Dom said, sinking into a seat beside me.

"Yeah. I would say the same about you, but you're only going to get the lead because of lack of competition."

"So much for supporting your relatives, eh?"

I quietly grumbled something about stealing my role, but Dom didn't hear. It was just as well - Dom works in a gym, and would pound me to a pulp with no hesitation. Not even my superior intellect would be able to stop him. He has arms like pistons, I'm telling you. My muscles don't quite compare - I used to go to the gym for a workout every once in a while but that was before he started stealing all my stuff - my girls, my roles, my jokes. Ok, I made that bit up - it's just... heh, he kind of has this nickname for me and he kept using it in the gym. It was so embarrassing... and then, coincidentally, my work as a doctor became a lot more hectic, taking up loads of my time. Suddenly, I couldn't spare the time at the gym anymore. (But I still get a workout at the doctor's practice - squeezing those syringes is pretty hard work).

So, anyway, I remained in my seat as the rest of the hopeless idiots auditioned. There were a few guys who really weren't that bad. I guess if they get the other major roles, and I really do get some scenes alone with Kel, maybe I will stay on. It'd certainly be an experience, if not a disaster. I pretended not to hear Dom when he tried to make conversation, and when he started droning on about something to do with acting (probably boasting about his stupid "talent") I looked at my wristwatch and put on a panicked face.

"Oh no, my bus is going to be here in ten minutes!" I cried dramatically.

"What! You can't leave, I need some support so I can go back and talk to Kel!" he said, obviously panicking. I smirked inside (who said I was bad at acting? I convinced Dom...) and just shrugged.

"I'm sure you can do that on your own," I informed him curtly, picking up my coat. I headed over to the producer, who was watching the last young woman auditioning for a part. "Hello, Mr..."

"Brown," he replied, his eyes examining me down his short, plump nose.

"I'm sorry, Mr Brown, but I need to leave. Might I ask when we will find out who has got a role?" I said in my politest tone.

"We will call you," he answered, brandishing a pen and paper. "We'll need your phone number, Mr..."

"Oh, please, just call me Neal," I told him. I scribbled out my phone number with a slight flourish and signed my name. "Well, it was nice meeting you, Mr Brown. I look forward to hearing from you."

And with that, I turned and began to walk down the aisle. A hazel flash caught my eye: it was Kel, getting up from her seat. She watched me go, eyes carefully locked onto the back of my head until I ignored Dom's wave and slipped out the door.


	3. Doomed

**---------------------------TORTALL THEATRE PRESENTS--------------------------  
Chapter 3: Doomed  
**

The phone was ringing. Not Cleon again... he'd already phoned me about ten times asking how the audition went. Just one more word from his stupid gloating mouth and it was quite possible I'd be marching right over to his house, ripping all his horribly red hair straight out his head and _feeding _it to him.

"Cleon, for God's sake, just stop phoning me up! I'm sick of your -"

"Um," came a tiny squeal. I stopped, letting out a huge breath I'd taken ready to insult Cleon to death, and realised that wasn't Cleon's squeal at all.

"Oh, uhm, I'm so sorry... I thought you were my friend..."

"Uh... is this Mr Queenscove?" the voice inquired.

"Yes, it is. And may I ask who this is?" (I tried not to sound cold, but it was a little hard. After mine and Yuki's engagement crumbled, several of her friends rang to patronise and insult me and I didn't quite understand why, nor did I particularly enjoy it. And those were the last calls from females that I'd had, and I had always suspected that the next female to ring me would be another of Yuki's cronies...)

"Um, this is Mariah Johnson. I'm Mr Brown's assistant - I'm calling to tell you -"

"Hang on - who the hell is Mr Brown!" I asked, extremely confused. I'm always under-informed so I ask these kinds of questions quite a lot.

There was a short silence on the other end of the line as if she was just pausing to consider how rude I was. "Uh, Mr Brown is the scriptwriter and, uh, producer of the play you auditioned for last week. Don't you remember?"

Of _course _I remember. How could I forget? Forced into an audition for some stupid fake play by my bumbling oaf of a friend who literally _abandoned_ me to the merciless claws of my stupid and incredibly charming cousin, my ego was trampled over and over, I completely ruined my audition and met one _extremely _interesting woman all in one ridiculous day. When I'm old and wrinkly, I'm sure that will be the most memorable day of my entire _life. _No matter how much my brain cells atrophy that will be a day I'll never forget.

_"_Oh, yes, I'm sorry. It's a little too early for my brain to be functioning properly," I said, attempting a comeback.

"Um, Mr Queenscove? It's 2PM."

I chuckled nervously into the telephone. Quickly, Queenscove, think of something! "Uh, I had a late shift at work..."

"Oh!" Mariah said, with a sharp intake of breath. "I'm ever so sorry, did I ring at a bad time?"

"No, not at all. Please, carry on."

She sounded a bit unsure, but she continued anyway. "Well, I'm sure you'll be pleased to hear you've been assigned the role of Count Maggur and there's..." She stopped short, pausing for a moment, and then said, "Count Maggur is the evil leader of the enemy's troops." I gaped at the receiver for a moment - how on earth did this woman know I was about to ask who this Maggur person was? Telepathy! Oh, wow! "There's a cast meeting on Sunday morning, 9pm, at the Tortall Theatre. We're going to be handing out the scripts and taking costume measurements, things like that."

"Very good," I said.

"Uh, yes. Well, is that okay with you? You aren't working on Sunday, are you? Because, you see, we ask for complete commitment from our actors and if they can't turn up then we'll have to let them go."

Ok, Neal, last chance to duck out. I mean, once you get the script and start learning the lines and have a costume made in your size, you can't just abandon the play. That would be downright mean. Being a doctor could be a good excuse - "Oh, I'm ever so sorry. I don't think I'll be able to take the role, then. My work as a doctor is very demanding and we're understaffed at the clinic already. Perhaps you could offer the role to some other person. I'm not sure they'd be able to reach my standards, but, well, my work is very important to me and I could never..."

"Oh, no, that's fine! Commitment is not a problem with me." (Well, it _is _if some of my relationships are anything to go by. But hey, I'm a busy man! I don't always have time for that sort of thing!)

"Well, we'll see you on Sunday, then! Thank you very much, Mr Queenscove."

"Yup, see you then!" I said, realising too late that it was kind of rude, and hung up. I'd considered saying something like, "No, thank _you,_" but it sounded so corny that I decided against it. It sounded like the sort of thing Dom might say, and I will _never _sink to _his _level.

Right. So, anyway, Dom aside (I wonder if he got the lead role?), I have to go to an audition on Sunday. And I need to impress Keladry. I need to avoid complete humiliation at the hands of my cousin, or, for that matter, anyone else... God, I'm going to need a briefcase of cue cards so I'll always know when to say something slick and I'll need an entire makeover. Which certainly will not be on my To Do list anytime soon - I guess we'll just have to hope I wake up a different man on Sunday morning.

The day I received the call was Tuesday. The remaining days before the audition flew by when I thought of the monstrous being that is my cousin, and inched past at snails' pace when I thought of Kel. I set my alarm for 7.30am on Saturday night, and dropped into my bed quite happily.

I woke up. And - I looked myself over - no, I was not a different man. I was, evidently, _doomed_. I showered and slung some jeans and a slightly wrinkled shirt on, ate some burnt toast slathered in butter and tried to find my shoes beneath the mess in my room (yes, boys and girls, _this _is bachelordom). Finally, convinced I would not turn into a different man if I waited another five minutes, I hopped into my little car and shoved the keys in the ignition.

Ok, Dom, evil cousin-being, Count Maggur is coming to _slay _you. Tortall Theatre, here I come!

**-----------------------------------------------------**

**I can't actually apologise enough for not updating for so long! And then I do and it's about as long as my fingernail (wow! That's one long fingernail!)... ugh, sorry. I know this is short but I was just trying to get back to grip with writing modern, first-person, which I certainly haven't done in a long, long time. However, I did have a lot of fun with this, so I should be updating soon, I hope. Thank you all so much for your reviews! I hope that some people will still read after this really long unannounced hiatus.**


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